Increase Connection

Virgina Satir, esteemed as the Mother of Family Therapy said, “We need four hugs a day for survival. We need eight hugs a day for maintenance. We need twelve hugs a day for growth.”

 

 In my work with parents to build stronger relationships with their children, specifically preteens and teens, I’ll ask them “how many times do you hug your child each day?” Often their response is silence followed by a stuttered “maybe once.” When we begin to explore the power of touch it’s not unusual that touch is reported as reduced between parent and child as the child grows older. Parents often report feeling overwhelmed by the idea of hugging or touching.  Comments that I hear include: “Where would I find the time to hug someone twelve times a day?”, “I’m not a hugger,” and “my teenager won’t let me touch them.” Despite the discomfort parents may feel, together, we often find a way to increase connection and touch.

Touch isn’t just for kids. Dacher Keltner, Ph.D.  researches touch across cultures and reports on the benefits of “proper” touch and the idea that touch is fundamental in how we communicate, bond with others, and improve our overall health.  Touch has been found to increase survival rates and reduce depression. There are several ways to increase touch each day, such as through a hug or side hug, a touch to the hand, or a pat to the back. For those who might respond to this idea with “I don’t have anyone I feel comfortable touching,” there are also great benefits to touching our beloved animals which can result in reduced stress and increased social interaction. 

January 21st is National Hugging Day. I invite you to reach out to someone who many need a hug. In giving a hug it is important to respect others. We won’t know if someone may have a traumatic past in which a hug could be triggering. It is important to be respectful of all cultures that might identify a hug as obscene or an invasion of privacy. Also, we want to teach our children boundaries, and that their bodies are to be respected. For that reason, simply asking “May I hug you?” or “Do you need a hug?” communicates respect. If someone responds that they do not want a hug, try to not take it personally. Instead, respond that you are available if they change their mind, which demonstrates respect and opens the door to a potential for increased touch in the future.