In his hilarious oldie but goodie 2013 YouTube video It’s Not About the Nail, Jason Headley creatively demonstrates a common communication pattern experienced by couples. In this scenario the female needs to feel heard and validated while the male’s tendency is to fix what he identifies as the problem. Reading through the YouTube comments posted about this video there is support and understanding for the couple’s situation. There are also, emotionally charged reactions that criticize, place blame, or demonstrate contempt for the female.
The criticism, defensiveness, and contempt voiced could be identified as three of the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse which is a metaphor used by John and Julie Gottman to help couples to manage conflict. Comments that try to resolve the female’s problem or responses that could make her feel incapable of solving the problem could unintentionally perpetuate the conflict in the relationship. Trying to resolve a problem when one has not been asked to do so demonstrates an inability to listen to or understand what is being communicated. This behavior, which is possibly an attempt to be helpful may in turn leave the person sharing feel misunderstood, which could inadvertently increase emotional distance.
Gottman identifies those who are successful and unsuccessful in relationships as “master’s and disasters.” A master would likely communicate empathy to the female’s situation. A disaster may respond with criticism or contempt. As shown in the video, once the male validates the female’s feelings, we observe a softening in her stance. Softening communicates that she feels heard and understood. The hope is that with validation she would in turn feel closer to her partner. In feeling closer to her partner, she would probably be more willing to hear his perspective to fixing her problem. Comically, in the end, they attempt to repair their relationship through closeness, but the nail remains the barrier.
I invite you to take a step back in your own relationships and ask yourself, what is my role in supporting the person with the problem.
